The beginning

Many years ago, I drove a grade eight class to their final class trip to a camp in northern Ontario. It was a three day adventure which included a chance to go on a zip line through the tree tops. I had the chance to try it so hey, why not? I remember being on the platform, all strapped in and ready to go. I suddenly thought "what am I doing up here? I have a life, I have a family, I have to drive a bus back....." I was having a bit of panic attack but I sucked it up and jumped. AAAAHHHHH!

Well, I am back on that platform metaphorically and I am going to have to jump and hope that the straps I have in place, will hold me and that it will be a great ride.

I am writing a bit of a blog so anyone who wants to follow this journey of jumping off the platform can join me. (I need a name for it yet - sorry, can't come up with a name yet, so for now..) I don't want to bore you to death so feel free to stop reading now, I won't be hurt. If you are expecting a great spiritual exhortation of faith in action - sorry. My faith is pretty simple - God loves me, I love God, I try to love everyone. I leave the details to God. If you are expecting great words of literature that will go down in infinity - meeh, sorry. My apologies to any grammar nazis (me included), I won't have all the words correct, spelling correct (I live in Canada so I am using the "our" not the "or" in words like colour, rumour etc. - even my computer is trying to correct me already).   I just want to keep everyone informed so I don't need to tell the story over and over or have the rumour mill distort it. I am a bit of an open book, feel free to ask me anything. I may be oversharing for some people but I have found in the past few days, that sharing is good. The burden that is carried by more, makes it lighter to carry. The love, prayers and support I have received and felt, is overwhelming and has kept me calm, happy and ready to face this free fall that lays ahead. 

It was two weeks ago that I was driving my bus at work, not knowing that this was the day my world would change. I had been having issues for a few months with UT infections (I have had these for years but the bacteria seemed to stepping up its' game.) I seemed to be getting infections continuously for a few months and with more pain. I had just seen a infection specialist who set me up for an ultrasound and put me on a high dosage of Vitamin C. Back to that morning, the pain seemed to be particularly bad so I called my dispatcher to get me a substitute driver to take over my bus and have someone take me to emerge. I felt that this had to be looked at once and for all. I was feeling overwhelmed by the constant pain.
I spent the day in emerge having tests - yes, I had a barn burner of a bladder infection (check), pain in my lower back and a temperature. They set me up with an IV of antibiotics and did the blood work. At this point, I have to say, I love Canada! No worry about paying for all this, no paperwork to fill out for insurance - just get in here and we will take care of you! 

The blood work must have showed abnormalities because they decided to set me up for ultra sounds. These needed a full bladder so I was pumped full of liquid via the IV and I felt like a water balloon. It was painful. I went up to the ultrasound and lay in pain as she ran the wand over my abdomen. She started in on the kidney area when I pleaded for a chance to go to the bathroom. I remember her response was "Oh sure, go ahead, feel free to let it all go" as if she couldn't understand the pain I was in. That was the greatest moment in my life so far - it felt so good (sorry, I know - TMI, but it was just the best part of my day 😅 ). The technician took several pics of the kidney area and then left the room. She came back and said she needed more of the kidney area (first sign of construction ahead). She took more and left the room. She came back again and said she needed more pictures ("Houston, we have a problem!"). She left again and I peeked at the screen - lots of interesting abstract art with red and yellow areas but nothing that made sense to me. She came back and sent me on my way back to emerge. After a few hours, they needed more samples (urine, blood etc.). Then I was told I needed a Cat Scan. I wanted to say I left my cats at home but somehow they weren't in a laughing mood so I just moved along with the plan. Ray had come by this time. I had to drink this huge bottle of dye. Can't even begin to describe how big this bottle was. I have never drank so much in my life at one time and it wasn't doing a lot to enhance my mood (no alcohol included) but I kept at it.

Enter God moment - I was recently reelected to our church council as elder and we had a meeting that night. I knew by this time, I should not attempt to go as I had just spent the day in emerge. This is not exactly a restful place and I was being carted around the joint like grocery cart so I knew I would be tired by the time I got home. I texted my friend Grace - who was also in council to tell her that I could not come. I had barely put my phone down and there she was, like an angel appearing out of nowhere. (She has angelic qualities but I don't want this to go to her head!) She had just finished her treatments in another area of the hospital  and had seen my text on her way out and decided to find me. She has stealth-like skills and found me quickly. It was good to have a friend as she could chat with Ray while I went into the Cat Scan. He needed someone to help make sense of what was going on. I returned from the test, we had a prayer together and she left. 
About an hour later, the doctor came back and said "I am not going to mince words but you have cancer and it looks bad. We need to get on this right away". Well, that was an interesting opening line, guaranteed to make anyone sit up and pay attention. He mentioned a mass on my kidney, large intestine and enlarged lymph nodes. He said he suspected kidney cancer or lymphoma and said "for your sake, I hope it's lymphoma". I appreciated his candor but it was a lot to take in. He was sending my chart to a specialist as we were speaking. He said that they would contact me within 24 hours and if not, to contact them. I had a name on a paper with a number and a scrip for antibiotics (oh right, I still had a bladder infection. It was like I forgot about that puppy). I remember leaving and the two nurses who had been working across from me all day, just sat there looking at me looking stunned, with these huge eyes. That threw me for a loop more than the doctor's words. They said as I was leaving "wow, you come in with just a simple bladder infection and leave with this - wow, just wow!" So as I left, I felt like saying (from the movie - The Green Mile - great movie, if you haven't seen it, see it!) "Dead man walking..." as I walked down the hallway and out the door.

We told our kids that night - still seemed a little surreal - but I wanted them to hear it from me. Enter another God moment - Our daughter Jocelyn was scheduled to arrive on Sunday night from Antigua. She is taking a course at Western University for two weeks and then on July 22, Omari and Andre (husband and son) are coming to join her for another two weeks. I have her home for a month :) This was all planned so no sudden trips had to be made so she would be here for the early stages. I needed  all my kids home. It was perfect planning for sure. I was first going to wait until she arrived to tell her in person but then I ran the risk of her hearing rumours and I am not one to hold such news to myself so I called her on BBM chat and we had a good chat so she could be prepared when she arrived home. I feel so blessed in how my kids have bonded together and talked. I still wonder how I could have such wonderful kids with me for a mother. Totally incompetent! Ray must have picked up the slack somewhere along the line.

The hardest task was telling my dad. Dad is 92 and we lost Mom two years ago. Guess we didn't really lose her, we know where she is but she is not here with us. She is waiting in heaven for us. It was hard but in the days that followed, we have been able to joke about the race to heaven between him and I. Who is going to win? He is worried and so am I. I have been his support since Mom left doing basic chores like laundry and some cooking. Taking care of little things like appointments, banking, bills. We don't know what the future will bring but somehow God has this all planned so we have to trust that this will be taken care of. Enter another God moment - I told Dad on Tuesday night. All night I worried how he was and on Wednesday, I had some things to take care of so I wasn't able to get to him until later in the day. I finally came to his house and found my aunt - Tante Janny - there in deep conversation with him. My heart sang. Her daughter Deb (my cousin) had to go to London that day and asked her Mom if she wanted to join her and spend the day with my Dad. She said yes so Deb dropped her off that morning and the two of them spent the day together talking. It was just what he needed. The timing was perfect. I also needed a "Mom hug" and she delivered that one perfectly. It was such a blessing to have her there.💓

I had let my closest friends know via facebook. You might not like facebook but in times like this, for me, it is a Godsend. The prayers started right away. Harmina (my cousin/sister - she is my sister in the form of a cousin) read the post and told Ron (her husband) to start the car. They were in my driveway within minutes to come in to pray and talk. That is the hands and feet of God in movement! The support these friends have given me is beyond awesome - they have kept me going. I have never had a time of despair or fear yet and I attribute that to their prayers and support. Our pastor came and again, the feeling of support is wonderful. He has been through the valley of the shadow of death. His quiet wisdom and support is what I needed at this time. 

I went to the specialist on the Tuesday following the long Canada Day weekend. I had Jocelyn safely home in Canada. We had a barbecue with our kids (except Andrew who had to work - the need for Chicken McNuggets never stops) on Monday night. It was a good time to move forward. He went over some of the tests with me. He affirmed the findings of the mass on the kidney, the large intestine, and enlarged lymph nodes although he did say he wasn't too concerned with those as lymph nodes are funny things (I fail to see the humour) and can change in size constantly. A small ray of good news. He did mention on one photo, he could see part of a lung which had a spot on it (ping - hope gone). He ordered a battery of tests which would take place in the next few weeks. I gave some more blood (they really love my blood as I have been giving a lot of it away lately.) Yesterday (Friday) I picked up my test schedule. I feel like I am back in highschool picking up my class schedule. It is going to take place over 5 days with two hospitals involved. Some days include a visit to University Hospital in the morning and St. Joseph's in the afternoon. These will start on Tuesday, July 17. Included are biopsies, nuclear renogram, colonoscopy (my absolute favourite - not!), CT scans, ultrasounds ending in a consult of results on August 7. Still a long wait but the wheels are turning.

I am sorry - this turned into a longer sermon than intended but I wanted to get the back story out there first. I promise in future entries, I won't be so wordy. I have been asked "what can I do for you?" All I ask now is for prayer (if you lean toward good thoughts and vibes - I like those too), prayers for my family (this a lot for them to take in) and for my Dad (at 92, this is what you don't need to deal with). I am going to follow this up with a shorter blog shortly but as Joe Friday used to say "give me the facts, just the facts". I wanted to give out the facts first. Feel free to ask questions that I can address in future entries. 

I am reading a devotional booklet given to me by Pastor Eric. It's called Proven Promises - a great read. One entry reads "Trust and Hope are willing to live with mysteries, with unanswered questions and still go on". I am leaning on that trust and hope - just like Job.