The D Word

I finished my final cat scan today. It was a little more involved than this cat scan but feel free to get a cat scan done for yourself.

A friend sent me that. The scans aren't bad except the IV needle that is put in and then the solution which makes your body feel warm in different areas at different times. Weird feeling. Anyway, testing is all finished. Now comes the hard part - knowing the doctor will have results but I have to wait until August 7 to plot my future.

One subject that seems to be taboo is the D word. The elephant in the room and it's one I don't mind to talk about. I do not fear death at all, it's the dying I fear. I read in the obits each day how Great Auntie Bernice died "peacefully" with her family surrounding her. I have been with two people who drew their final breath and it is not peaceful at all. It is a struggle, a sort of drowning as each breath becomes shallower and harder. I don't see the peace but maybe I am wrong. Dying can be pretty hard and painful.

I, shamefully, have a few books here entitled "Waking up In Heaven" and "The Boy Who Went to Heaven" and more. I say "shamefully" because I really don't know why we yearn for these stories. Isn't the promise of Heaven enough for us - why do we constantly look for proof? (John 14:2 - 4, Colossians 3, Revelations 7 & 21) A friend told a story of a doctor who had  patient frightened of dying because he wasn't sure what was on the other side. This doctor called his dog (guess his practice was at home or something) and the dog came running into his office. He said the dog had never been inside his office but ran in, knowing his master was there - no fear at all. We all need to be the same - run into heaven because we know Jesus is there and he promised us mansions of glory and joy forever. No fear at all. I love this quote attributed to Billy Graham but really adapted from Dwight Moody: "Someday you will read or hear that Billy Graham is dead. Don’t you believe a word of it. I shall be more alive than I am now. I will just have changed my address. I will have gone into the presence of God." That is my motto too - I won't be dead, I will just have an address change!

Death is what we are born for. It is the ultimate enemy for the living. We avoid talking personally about it yet it is a multi-million dollar industry. A funeral can cost way more than a wedding. Seems silly because at least at a wedding, everyone has a good time (except maybe the jilted lover). We sing about "flowery beds of ease", "death, where is thy sting", "O Lord, Haste the Day when my faith shall be sight"..... We don't have a problem singing about it but whenever we talk about possible death,"Ahhh, subject change quick!! Let's talk about something else or think positively...."    People, I am not afraid of death!
 
I like to read fictional stories of Heaven like "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". Mitch Albom tells a story of a man who felt his life was worthless, dead end, and full of regrets.

When he dies, he meets five people who have had their life changed thanks to him. He doesn't really consider these people important or what he did was important until they show him. At the end, he realizes that his life was important and important to a lot of people. I hope that my life was significant enough to touch the lives of people and that something I may have said or done, has changed the life of someone in a positive way. It could be someone I saw on the bus, person at the store, on the street but what we do each day without a thought can positively or negatively impact a person. It's a large concept to wrap my head around.

We interact with people all day and we carry the garbage that someone heaps on us when treated badly. I will always carry the distress and pain caused by a bully that I went to school with, from Grade 2 to college. I was a child of immigrants (Eeew - dutchie germs), a late bloomer, second hand clothing wearer and had a stutter (open field for a bully). I happened to mention this painful time to a group of friends a few years ago without a name but they all knew exactly who I meant right away. Then I have to ask "Why did you not stop him, defend me, if you knew?" Sorry, I digress but words can have a powerful impact and our behaviour as well. Look someone in the eye and know they are loved and valued whether they are the Queen of England or the new refugee or the drug addict standing on the boulevard. I may be the change they need to move forward. Love, love, love!

I also love a sense of humour about death like these gravestones. I have always said, I can cry and scream about the situation I am in or I can laugh. I choose to laugh. As my cousin said "these are the cards I have been dealt with. I have to play with this deal". Death is not the end! It's only a portal to something new and exciting.

I know that this diagnosis may be a easy fix or a non-issue and death may not be part of the equation yet. I am thinking positively and hopefully but at the same time I dread the possible journey of surgery and chemo or radiation. I am not good with prolonged sickness. I went through enough of that with four pregnancies - the throwing up, the weakness, the tiredness. Somehow, I don't think this time it'll end with a quick delivery of a bundle of joy. There's the dread!

If you want to talk about Heaven, death or the life hereafter, I'm your person. To me, it's a new adventure that I am excited to take. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Maybe someday, I will have different feelings about this - I haven't had to face the reality yet. For now though, it's ok. Life is good, I have family surrounding me, friends praying for me, lots of love and words of encouragement. Life is still good!