Days of Healing....
Home again, feeling a little energized to type away on my keyboard.
Monday morning at 8a.m. I was wheeled into the operating theater at University Hospital for probable robotic surgery on my right kidney
.
Just to recap (cue the flashbacks), I was driving my bus in late June, early morning, trying to talk myself into ignoring this latest bladder infection and telling myself, I could finish this shift. There comes a point when pain takes over your mental capacity and driving a beast with morning commuters counting on your skills, is just not a good mix. I called into dispatch to relieve me and have an inspector (thank you, Paul) to take me to emerge to get this latest bout fixed once and for all. I was given an expected diagnosis of a UTI but there was something not quite right in some of the tests. I was given more tests and about 10 hours later, I was given a diagnosis of renal cell carcinoma (cancerous tumour on the right kidney) plus enlarged lymph nodes and a possible mass on my intestine. I will never forget the look on the two nurses who were probably more in shock than I was "You come in expecting something benign like a diagnosis of UTI with a scrip for antibiotics and walk out with life threatening news of cancer". I must admit it was pretty surreal at first. Once we told our kids, the rest just fell into place. All these God moments, moments of absolute trust and confidence, laughter and revealing of the soul to those we love. If it weren't such a big life-altering thing, I'd recommend this to everyone!
So back to it, I was told to come in for 6 am (no one tells them that the doors do not open until about 6:10). I was quickly whisked through admission and prep and was pushed into the doors into a hub of activity and machines. I was laid out in my finest - gown of puke green, booties of blue with a matching shower cap all compliments of UH. An intern had come by earlier and wrote, with his Bic pen(!), his initials on my right upper thigh. It's 2018 and they still use the pen they have to write notes with??? With his number (well, at least initials) I was wheeled in. Some doctor introduced everybody. I hoped I wouldn't be given a pop quiz when I woke up because I remember NOBODY! As they were putting me under, I recall him introducing me, FEMALE, 59, POSSIBLE RIGHT PARTIAL NEPHRECTOMY WITH POSSIBLE RADICAL. STENT INTRODUCED INTO RIGHT URETER....Sorry, I kinda lost interest after that. Not exactly a spellbinding speech. I turned to my mantra based on Psalm 31 - "I will trust in the Lord, my time is in Your hands"......
I had robotic surgery which is amazing. If you are interested, I will attach a youtube video of what happens. I am not this particular patient but looking at the scars on my abdomen, this matches up. I have four small scars (keyholes). I remember seeing the huge computer screen on my lower right as well as a more screens elsewhere. This image was what was playing at the time - exactly! The old TV screens when the TV quit after midnight.
Prior to robotic surgery, when tumors were completely within the kidney, doctors had to remove the entire affected kidney through a procedure called a radical nephrectomy. Now only the affected part can be removed using robotics. The link is below (very short)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC2SdMfRHeQ
My next memory was being in a room in the post surgical area on 8th floor. I was supposed to be back in the original pre-op, post-op room after the surgery but I guess they left me sleeping for that step. This was 6+ hours later and I was feeling pretty good. The doctor had stopped in to tell me it was successful from his view although it would be another 3 to 4 weeks until he had the results from the tests. He threw in some words like margins and keyholes, naphrectomies blah blah blah... I remember I asked for clarification on some things but for the life of me, I have no idea anymore.
Soon after I saw the face of Ron and yes, I could tell the difference! Thank you Ron and Harmina for staying with Ray all day and all those who popped in and out during the day to support Ray. Also to those who whispered special prayers on my behalf. I did not have a moment (no, not even a nanosecond) of concern or worry. I was confident and relaxed the entire time. Don't tell me that prayers mean nothing - these are the prayers I needed and was supplied with answers in abundance.
The next few days and nights passed in a blur. I thought I was all there but felt like I was fighting sleep the entire time. I would doze and it would be daytime. I'd wake up and it was night time. I remember thinking at one point I had slept all night and thought, well, I can just wait for the sun to rise and this day to start. Apparently, the lady across from me had the same thought and wanted to be put in her chair to greet the sunrise. The nurse gently told her it was only 10 to 11 (10:50 pm) so she should try to sleep some more. That nearly crushed my soul. I had to wait the whole night!!!
One of the biggest lows of narcotics is the dreams they induce. Weird, psychedelic, meaningless and stupid. I recall wanting to stay awake because I was having a dream about the hospital beds, I was trying to get rid of them but getting no where. The beds were almost alive plotting against me! Another time, I was, well.... seeing dead people. That one was not a favourite! People I knew from years ago were blithely having a good day, walking and talking. If you're looking for names, my lips are sealed (which is probably why I have cracked lips right now 😕 ). Another dream was playing some game involving trading stocks and working the stock market in someone's attic. Not sure the significance of the attic but the game was a huge success according to Amazon. I couldn't see the point and didn't understand the rules but I apparently cleaned up nicely. I have laid off the narcotics and try to relieve pain with tylenol or advil instead. Normal dreams - I am the greatest!! LOL.
Dr. Luke came in to see me on Tuesday and was surprised at how great I looked. I was feeling pretty good although I hadn't gone for any long walks or catered any dinners lately so I was well rested. I was trying to regain my appetite but that was a lost cause. He even said that I might go home early because I looked so good. Now, not saying my inner self plotted against my outer self but I did not want to go home yet! I took a bit of a downward turn that night - feeling rather lethargic and nauseous. Poor St. Ray came to see me and all I did was sleep. Pastor Eric came around (he came by Monday evening too) and I also had to fight to stay alert. I had a few other visitors and I'm sorry if I came off as ungrateful. I was truly glad to see you but my body was letting me down. I kept dozing off and waking up, not knowing if it was day or night. Awful feeling.
I was able to stay another day but on Thursday, they had enough of my sorry face. I had various apparatuses taken out of me. The one that really freaked me out was a drain from the kidney to a vacuum sealed pack on my side. They cut the sutures and began to pull and pull and pull....and pull....it was like, three feet of hose nicely tucked into my abdomen. I really expected a short hose but this one shocked me. They would empty the container out every few hours but as the days went on, the output was less. Tests showed it to be negative (I forgot to ask what it was negative for but maybe my friend Doctor Rob would know). Once I was free of the drain and the wonderful catheter was removed, I was free to go (not entirely willingly but they needed the beds).
My next door neighbour/patient is someone I will continue to pray for. She was a woman approximately my age who was fighting colon cancer. It was her second foray into the fight and it did not look good. Her daughters sat with her, tended her and her son-in-law held the dreaded pink bucket as she continuously threw up. If it wasn't coming up, it was going down. She was embarrassed and begged her mother not to visit her via the telephone. She seemed so articulate, so bright, someone who had so much to give. Her husband came in one day after her daughters had bathed her and fixed her up and said "Aw, you're fixing my doll up to visit with me. No need, she's beautiful already" (Heart melt) A priest came to visit each day offering the Eucharist but she was unable to take anything by mouth. I was saddened when one day, a priest just left without a prayer or a blessing. I prayed with them each day. One evening a friend came by and read this poem to her - I was moved by it. Not just the poem itself but the meaning behind it.
Simple words can mean so much when you are in a certain place. I pray she will pull through. Cancer is such a brutal and barbarous killer. It shows no mercy, no bias, no love. After the pain I have gone through these past few days, cancer fighters have my admiration.
So now I am home. The first day or two were rough. I didn't have the energy to sit behind a keyboard at all. I couldn't even fix my spelling or grammar errors so that should tell you how poorly I was feeling. Today is much better. I was finally able to see Dad. It was good for both of us.
This reminds me of a God moment. Monday - Dad's phone was still not working!! We had it installed on Saturday and it was supposed to be working but Murphy's Law. Rogers had issues on their end and the phone could not be fixed for a few days. Great! He moves into a new home, knows nobody, has no outside contact and I was going in for major surgery. Pastor Eric went to see him early Monday afternoon and as he was just heading out to his car, he received the email from Harmina that I was through the surgery and it went well. Eric just turned around and went back in to tell Dad so he knew right away. Thank you Eric, Thank you God! Could the timing be any better?
These days I am coaxing my appetite back. Sorry Tony, nutrition is not high on my list. I had a yen for fries with gravy so St Ray came through with KFC fries with gravy. It was delicious. Today I had a craving for a chocolate shake and once again, he made that dream come true. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but so far, my every whim is his command 😋.
I have a follow up appointment on October 23 which should tell me what the future holds. I continue to covet your prayers and good thoughts. So far, so good but we aren't out of the woods yet. I still have pain - little more than I would like but I can deal with it. The sun shines and the glory of Fall is about to begin. Enjoy!
Monday morning at 8a.m. I was wheeled into the operating theater at University Hospital for probable robotic surgery on my right kidney
.
Just to recap (cue the flashbacks), I was driving my bus in late June, early morning, trying to talk myself into ignoring this latest bladder infection and telling myself, I could finish this shift. There comes a point when pain takes over your mental capacity and driving a beast with morning commuters counting on your skills, is just not a good mix. I called into dispatch to relieve me and have an inspector (thank you, Paul) to take me to emerge to get this latest bout fixed once and for all. I was given an expected diagnosis of a UTI but there was something not quite right in some of the tests. I was given more tests and about 10 hours later, I was given a diagnosis of renal cell carcinoma (cancerous tumour on the right kidney) plus enlarged lymph nodes and a possible mass on my intestine. I will never forget the look on the two nurses who were probably more in shock than I was "You come in expecting something benign like a diagnosis of UTI with a scrip for antibiotics and walk out with life threatening news of cancer". I must admit it was pretty surreal at first. Once we told our kids, the rest just fell into place. All these God moments, moments of absolute trust and confidence, laughter and revealing of the soul to those we love. If it weren't such a big life-altering thing, I'd recommend this to everyone!
So back to it, I was told to come in for 6 am (no one tells them that the doors do not open until about 6:10). I was quickly whisked through admission and prep and was pushed into the doors into a hub of activity and machines. I was laid out in my finest - gown of puke green, booties of blue with a matching shower cap all compliments of UH. An intern had come by earlier and wrote, with his Bic pen(!), his initials on my right upper thigh. It's 2018 and they still use the pen they have to write notes with??? With his number (well, at least initials) I was wheeled in. Some doctor introduced everybody. I hoped I wouldn't be given a pop quiz when I woke up because I remember NOBODY! As they were putting me under, I recall him introducing me, FEMALE, 59, POSSIBLE RIGHT PARTIAL NEPHRECTOMY WITH POSSIBLE RADICAL. STENT INTRODUCED INTO RIGHT URETER....Sorry, I kinda lost interest after that. Not exactly a spellbinding speech. I turned to my mantra based on Psalm 31 - "I will trust in the Lord, my time is in Your hands"......
I had robotic surgery which is amazing. If you are interested, I will attach a youtube video of what happens. I am not this particular patient but looking at the scars on my abdomen, this matches up. I have four small scars (keyholes). I remember seeing the huge computer screen on my lower right as well as a more screens elsewhere. This image was what was playing at the time - exactly! The old TV screens when the TV quit after midnight.
Prior to robotic surgery, when tumors were completely within the kidney, doctors had to remove the entire affected kidney through a procedure called a radical nephrectomy. Now only the affected part can be removed using robotics. The link is below (very short)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC2SdMfRHeQ
My next memory was being in a room in the post surgical area on 8th floor. I was supposed to be back in the original pre-op, post-op room after the surgery but I guess they left me sleeping for that step. This was 6+ hours later and I was feeling pretty good. The doctor had stopped in to tell me it was successful from his view although it would be another 3 to 4 weeks until he had the results from the tests. He threw in some words like margins and keyholes, naphrectomies blah blah blah... I remember I asked for clarification on some things but for the life of me, I have no idea anymore.
Soon after I saw the face of Ron and yes, I could tell the difference! Thank you Ron and Harmina for staying with Ray all day and all those who popped in and out during the day to support Ray. Also to those who whispered special prayers on my behalf. I did not have a moment (no, not even a nanosecond) of concern or worry. I was confident and relaxed the entire time. Don't tell me that prayers mean nothing - these are the prayers I needed and was supplied with answers in abundance. |
| Just out of surgery clutching my pump! |
One of the biggest lows of narcotics is the dreams they induce. Weird, psychedelic, meaningless and stupid. I recall wanting to stay awake because I was having a dream about the hospital beds, I was trying to get rid of them but getting no where. The beds were almost alive plotting against me! Another time, I was, well.... seeing dead people. That one was not a favourite! People I knew from years ago were blithely having a good day, walking and talking. If you're looking for names, my lips are sealed (which is probably why I have cracked lips right now 😕 ). Another dream was playing some game involving trading stocks and working the stock market in someone's attic. Not sure the significance of the attic but the game was a huge success according to Amazon. I couldn't see the point and didn't understand the rules but I apparently cleaned up nicely. I have laid off the narcotics and try to relieve pain with tylenol or advil instead. Normal dreams - I am the greatest!! LOL.
Dr. Luke came in to see me on Tuesday and was surprised at how great I looked. I was feeling pretty good although I hadn't gone for any long walks or catered any dinners lately so I was well rested. I was trying to regain my appetite but that was a lost cause. He even said that I might go home early because I looked so good. Now, not saying my inner self plotted against my outer self but I did not want to go home yet! I took a bit of a downward turn that night - feeling rather lethargic and nauseous. Poor St. Ray came to see me and all I did was sleep. Pastor Eric came around (he came by Monday evening too) and I also had to fight to stay alert. I had a few other visitors and I'm sorry if I came off as ungrateful. I was truly glad to see you but my body was letting me down. I kept dozing off and waking up, not knowing if it was day or night. Awful feeling.
I was able to stay another day but on Thursday, they had enough of my sorry face. I had various apparatuses taken out of me. The one that really freaked me out was a drain from the kidney to a vacuum sealed pack on my side. They cut the sutures and began to pull and pull and pull....and pull....it was like, three feet of hose nicely tucked into my abdomen. I really expected a short hose but this one shocked me. They would empty the container out every few hours but as the days went on, the output was less. Tests showed it to be negative (I forgot to ask what it was negative for but maybe my friend Doctor Rob would know). Once I was free of the drain and the wonderful catheter was removed, I was free to go (not entirely willingly but they needed the beds).
My next door neighbour/patient is someone I will continue to pray for. She was a woman approximately my age who was fighting colon cancer. It was her second foray into the fight and it did not look good. Her daughters sat with her, tended her and her son-in-law held the dreaded pink bucket as she continuously threw up. If it wasn't coming up, it was going down. She was embarrassed and begged her mother not to visit her via the telephone. She seemed so articulate, so bright, someone who had so much to give. Her husband came in one day after her daughters had bathed her and fixed her up and said "Aw, you're fixing my doll up to visit with me. No need, she's beautiful already" (Heart melt) A priest came to visit each day offering the Eucharist but she was unable to take anything by mouth. I was saddened when one day, a priest just left without a prayer or a blessing. I prayed with them each day. One evening a friend came by and read this poem to her - I was moved by it. Not just the poem itself but the meaning behind it.
Great Blue Heron
I drive past him each day in the swamp where he stands
on one leg, hunched as if dreaming of his own form
the surface reflects. Often I nearly forget to turn left,
buy fish and wine, be home in time to cook and chill.
Today the bird stays with me, as if I am moving through
the heron’s dream to share his sky or water—places
he will rise into on slow flapping wings or where
his long bill darts to catch unwary frogs. I’ve seen
his slate blue feathers lift him as dangling legs
fold back, I’ve seen him fly through the dying sun
and out again, entering night, entering my own sleep.
I only know this bird by a name we’ve wrapped him in,
and when I stand on my porch, fish in the broiler,
wine glass sweating against my palm, glint of sailboats
tacking home on dusky water, I try to imagine him
slowly descending to his nest, wise as he was
or ever will be, filling each moment with that moment’s
act or silence, and the evening folds itself around me.
So now I am home. The first day or two were rough. I didn't have the energy to sit behind a keyboard at all. I couldn't even fix my spelling or grammar errors so that should tell you how poorly I was feeling. Today is much better. I was finally able to see Dad. It was good for both of us.
This reminds me of a God moment. Monday - Dad's phone was still not working!! We had it installed on Saturday and it was supposed to be working but Murphy's Law. Rogers had issues on their end and the phone could not be fixed for a few days. Great! He moves into a new home, knows nobody, has no outside contact and I was going in for major surgery. Pastor Eric went to see him early Monday afternoon and as he was just heading out to his car, he received the email from Harmina that I was through the surgery and it went well. Eric just turned around and went back in to tell Dad so he knew right away. Thank you Eric, Thank you God! Could the timing be any better?
These days I am coaxing my appetite back. Sorry Tony, nutrition is not high on my list. I had a yen for fries with gravy so St Ray came through with KFC fries with gravy. It was delicious. Today I had a craving for a chocolate shake and once again, he made that dream come true. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but so far, my every whim is his command 😋.
I have a follow up appointment on October 23 which should tell me what the future holds. I continue to covet your prayers and good thoughts. So far, so good but we aren't out of the woods yet. I still have pain - little more than I would like but I can deal with it. The sun shines and the glory of Fall is about to begin. Enjoy!
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